Yes, sir. I'd like to have an argument, please. Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? No, this is my first time. I see. Do you want to have the full argument or were you thinking of taking a course? Well, what would be the cost? Well, yes, it's five... It's one pound for a five-minute argument but only eight pounds for a course of ten. Mmm... well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there, okay? Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Du-Bakey's free but he's a little bit conciliatory. -Try Mr. Barnard, room 12. -Thank you. What do you want?! Well, I was told outside... Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! -What? -Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert! What?! I came in here for an argument! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. This is abuse. Oh. Oh, I see. That explains it. -No, you want 12a, next door. -I see. -Sorry. -Not at all. Yeah, that's all right. Stupid git. Come in. Is this the right room for an argument? I've told you once. -No, you haven't. -Yes, I have. -When? -Just now. No, you didn't. -Yes, I did. -You didn't. -I did. -Didn't. -I'm telling you I did. -You did not. I'm sorry, is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour? -Oh! Oh, just the five-minute one. -Fine. Thank you. -Anyway, I did. -You most certainly did not. Now, let's get one thing quite clear. -I most definitely told you. -You did not. -Yes, I did. -You did not. -Yes, I did. -Didn't. -Yes, I did. -Didn't. Look, this isn't an argument. -Yes, it is. -No, it isn't. It's just contradiction. -No, it isn't. -Yes, it is. -It is not. -It is! You just contradicted me. -No, I didn't. -Oh, you did. No, no, no, no. -You did just then. -No, no, nonsense. -Oh, well, this is futile. -No, it isn't. -I came here for a good argument. -No, you didn't, you came here for an argument. Well, arguement is not the same as contradiction. -It can be. -No, it can't. An argument's a collected series of statements to establish a definite proposition. -No, it isn't. -Yes, it is. It isn't just contradiction. Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contrary position. But it isn't just saying, "No, it isn't." -Yes, it is. -No, it isn't. Argument's an intellectual process, contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. -No, it isn't. -Yes, it is. -Not at all. -Now, look... Thank you. Good morning. What? That's it. Good morning. But I was just getting interested. Sorry, the five minutes is up. That was never five minutes just now. -Afraid it was. -No, it wasn't. -Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. -What?! If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes. But that was never five minutes just now. Oh, come on! This is ridiculous. I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay. Oh, all right. -There you are. -Thank you. Well? Well what? That was never five minutes just now. I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay. -I just paid. -No, you didn't. I did. I did! I did! Look, I don't want to argue about that. Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay. Aha! Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you. -No, you haven't. -Yes, I have. -If you're arguing, I must have paid. -Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. -I've had enough of this. -No, you haven't. Oh, shut up. -I want to complain. -You want to complain? Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. -No, I want to complain about... -If you complain, nothing happens, you might just as well not bother and my back hurts... -I want to com... ow! -No, no. Hold your head like this and then go, "wah!" -Try it again. -Whoa! Better, better but, "wah! wah!" Hold your hands here. -No. -Now... -Wah! -Now, that's it, that's it! Good! -Stop hitting me! -What? Stop hitting me. -Stop hitting you? -Yes. Well, uh, what did you come in here for? I came here to complain. Oh, I'm sorry. That's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here. What a stupid concept. Right. Hold it there. -What? -What? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm inspector fox of the light entertainment police comedy division, special flying squad. Flying fox of the yard?! -Shut up! -Oh! -No, no, no, no. "Wah!" -And you! -Wah! -He's good. You could learn a thing or two from him. Right, now you two, me old beauties, you are nicked. What for? I'm charging you under section 21 of the strange sketch act. -The what? -You are hereby charged that you did willfully take part in a strange sketch. That is a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the great british public. Evening, all. It's a fair cop. -And you tosh! -Wah! That's excellent! -Right, come on down to the yard. -Hold it, hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm inspector Thompson's gazelle of the programme planning police light entertainment division, special flying squad. Flying thompson's gazelle of the yard? -Shut up! -Ahh! He... he's good. -Shut up. -Wow! -Rotten. -Ahh! Good. Right. I'm arresting this entire show on three count 30One, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the "Not in front of the children" act, two, always saying, "It's so and so of the yard" every time the fuzz arrives, And three -and this is the cruncher- offenses against the "Getting out of sketches without using a proper punch line" act. Namely, simply ending every bleeding sketch by just having a policeman come in and... -Wait a minute. -Hold it. It's a fair cop.